hello you!! has been too long!!

so.. today i am worried about something and i'm trying to stay positive and hopeful and not spiral downward into the dreaded hole of depression i so easily succumb to. it seemed to me that today would be a great day to post something happy :). i heard "holiday" by madonna when i was out and about this morning, and it made me smile.. and sing :). so i started thinking about all my favorite songs.. the ones i get really excited about when they play on the radio..

..and i decided i would post them on my blog. why not, right?? this "list", of course, is a casual, off-the-top-of-my-head kind of list. and it's certainly not a "greatest songs" list... i mean there would surely be some beatles or queen in there. but these are just some of my favorites. eleven of them. cuz that's my favorite number :)

so.. in no particular order:

jack and diane. john cougar mellencamp.

you're so vain. carly simon.

smile. nat king cole.

love on the rocks. neil diamond.

fire and rain. james taylor.

vincent. don mclean.

ain't no sushine. bill whithers.

billy jean. michael jackson.

my life. billy joel.

hotel california. the eagles.

imagine. john lennon.

i want to know YOUR favorite songs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

so this last thursday was my third art walk. also the third time ever that i've shown my work. with the exception of a few college things.

my neighboring town, joplin, has an art walk every third thursday evening of the month. blocks one through seven of main street are set aside for art, street musicians and a variety of other family friendly activities. it's a fairly new development and a wonderful event for this area. joplin has been changing the last few years and arts and culture seem to finally matter around here. and even if it's just a little bit, it's a huge improvement and one i'm very happy about.

so a few months ago, after lunch with my friend, linda, who is on the third thursday (aka 3th) committee, i decided to look into showing my work. i was told i could exhibit and in june i did just that. and again in july. and in august.

i've always been shy about my paintings. i've never known how to judge them or value them. or even how i see them. so showing my work anywhere except facebook and my own home was always almost out of the question. but through the encouragement of many wonderful twitter friends, from my kids and from ian (the love of my life :) ), i decided to take a risk and step out a little bit.

i never could have predicted the effect it's had on me.

i don't mean to be dramatic, but it kinda changed me and my view of my art completely.

the first night i showed at the art walk, i was put in a hallway. i had set up the night before, so i arrived, sat in the provided chair, and waited. people started arriving, coming in through the opposite end of the hallway, where another painter had displayed her work.

it instantly and unexpectedly felt strange, as people started looking at my work. the fact that they stopped to really look at what *i* painted, took me aback a bit. and then i noticed some looking intently...and for a long time. i never thought of my work as anything someone would look at intently *or* for a long time :). then i began hearing their comments (before they realized i was at the end of hallway listening ;) ). people of all ages saying how much they liked this piece or that piece. "ooh, look at this!!", etc. and then the excitement in their voice when they got down to me.. "is this YOUR work???"

was fucking amazing. and the weird thing is that it wasn't an ego trip in any kind of way. it wasn't like that at all. not a confidence builder or anything like that. what it was was this profound experience of "sharing". to see people appreciate and be affected by something that came from *me* blew my mind. it sounds crazy, but i got tears in my eyes and had to stop myself from full out bawling. comment after comment about what they "saw", or how a piece made them feel, or how much they loved the colors, or whatever it was. for someone, ANYONE, to "get it", had an impact on me that i never expected. i hadn't thought too much about whether people would like my work or not, i just wanted to show it and see what happened. i never thought about seeing someone connect with something i created or about the profound effect that would have on me.

so since then, i've been painting again. i also got business cards and a web site! ..HUGE steps for me :) (see blog two ;) ). i feel like i have a voice and that there are people out there who want to hear it. my work will never be shown in great galleries or change anyone's thinking about the world. but to know that i created something that brought joy to someone...well...that means the world to me.

here's my web site :) http://artlovegroove.com/

thank you so much sarah (@kyelani) for building this for me. you bring a whole new meaning to "friends with benefits" ;D

so the weather here has been unbearably hot and humid. summer is always my least favorite time of year. and what makes it worse is that this year there was no spring. it always feels that way, but this year there really was no spring. there were still snow and ice coming down towards the end of march and by the first week of april it was in the 80s and it's only become progressively hotter since then. so i was going through old pictures and found a bunch i took last fall. now autumn is by far my favorite season. such a relief after a long, hot, miserable summer. and it's always stunning in its beauty. and for some reason i prefer to see the leaves fall from the trees rather than see them grow in the spring.

i took an entire day off to hang out in the country and take pictures. i had the most wonderful time and did a lot of thinking on this day. just a couple of days later i met ian. little did i know that six months later i would be taking someone i love to these same places. i loved sharing these special parts of my world with ian (although they were much prettier in the fall ;) ) and they will forever have new and invaluable meaning for me.

so these pictures are for remembering and for looking forward. and feeling a little cooler for a moment :)

so the fact that it's been three months since blog one, illustrates beautifully my topic for blog two. which is, i am awful at accomplishing things!

i'm a person with a creative mind. someone with many good ideas. some great even. someone with lofty goals and important life long dreams. someone who cares about the world around her and wants to make it a better place. someone who wants to be a part of improving social problems with creative solutions. someone who feels passionately about things. someone who desperately wants to live a beautiful and important life.

 SOMEONE WHO DOES ALMOST NOTHING.

and the awful part is that i still haven't been able to figure out WHY?? i've thought that maybe if i could figure out the why then i could fix it. or work through it somehow. but i just don't really know. i have some ideas. one, i'm afraid of failing...this one i know. but who isn't afraid of failure?? it's more than that. it has to be. how can someone be so afraid to fail that they never try to accomplish anything they've dreamt of their entire life???

another possibility is that i'm afraid of success. i often hear a quote to this effect and don't completely understand it. but, i suppose with success comes responsibility. or maybe a let down after the accomplishment doesn't bring exactly what you expected it to.

there is another contributing factor, i think..?? i was telling my friend sarah, aka @kyelani, that i've spent my whole life not thinking i could accomplish anything. so i didn't. and so when i finally did start to believe in myself (concerning talents, gifts, self-worth, blah blah blah) i didn't have the tools to motivate myself. a laziness has developed. with never having a goal accomplished, i'm completely unfamiliar with how one goes about accomplishing one. make sense?? preparation and hard work are foreign to me. i spent 5.5 years in college and so i've done that on a small scale. class by class, project by project. but nothing i've ever REALLY invested myself in. nothing that really mattered to me. nothing that would truly bring me, or anyone else, any significant gain or fullfillment.

i've also not spent any measurable amount of time around people who do succeed or strive to make any dreams come true. my family is made up of people who just get by. mostly poorly. day by day. with no desire really for anything else. for anything "more". with perhaps the exception of winning the lottery. any attempt i've ever made to express an idea or dream of mine to them has been met with a confused stare. they truly just don't get it.

so now i'm here. terrified i will never accomplish things that are incredibly important to me. creative ventures. traveling. making a difference in this world. i'm wondering if it's just something lacking in my character. something i can't overcome. am i destined to become a tortured soul for the rest of my life, filled with regret?? or can i work through these things? can i push myself hard enough?? can i be different?? can i accomplish my goals and make my dreams come true??? CAN I DO IT??? does anyone understand?? are there others like me?? others who desparately and passionately long for things, but don't or can't seem to do what it takes to achieve them. ?????????

does anyone have my answer?

so i've wanted to start a blog for a long time, but being the perfectionist that i am, i felt i needed to fully know what i wanted my blog to be and exactly how it would manifest before i got started. did i want it to be an art blog?? did i want to write of my journey so far?? did i want to write a public diary?? and what was i hoping to gain from this experience?? did i even have anything to offer?? WHAT DO I WANT TO SAY?? and why would anyone care?? 

i've found no answers to any of these questions. 

BUT. i've spent my entire life *not* doing things because i was afraid they would not turn out perfectly. afraid i would not do things perfectly. afraid i would not be perfect. FAIL.

so i'm thinking it's about time to try something different. try doing something without knowing how it will turn out. do something that i guarantee will not be great. risk failure. i'm forty after all. it's about time to start conquering fears. first something small, like a blog. then maybe actually put myself into a painting for once. and perhaps someday, start working on my lamp biz idea that i've been excited about for a year and a half and have done nothing about.

i guess a logical first step in a blog is an introduction. so since i can think of nothing more creative, i'm gonna go with that.

my name is tammy renee love. i'm still finding out things about myself, but i learned more these last couple of years than the previous thirty-eight combined. i was raised in a family with whom i did not fit. i was raised in an area where i did not fit. my family, my upbringing, my small town, my church, kept me from ME my whole life. i was so focused on trying to be who i thought i should be (i.e. trying to be like everyone else), i never realized who i was.

but now i know what i love. i know what i want. i know why i love and want those things. i know what i hate and why i hate it. i know what i need. i know what makes me feel alive. i know what i'm passionate about and realize i need to act on those passions in order to find happiness. i know the kinds of people i connect with. and i understand why i've not connected with people around here. i know my strengths and my weaknesses. i accept my weaknesses. i'm grateful for my strengths.

each and every one of these things has been a revelation. it was like i was looking into a false mirror my entier life. and then someone took the mirror of lies and handed me the mirror of truth. and there i was.

i am working on making my life what i want and need it to be. a big part of that will be a change in location. a huge change in location. i can't even describe the extreme and pure joy i feel just knowing i will leave...knowing i will go to a place where i belong. a place where i can thrive. a place where there are people just like me. i can't fucking wait :).

so that's more than enough for now. :)

i do want to post art and design here and to share what i love. i will get all that figured out soon i hope. would appreciate any tips on posting things from the internet. laws, etiquette, etc.

thanks for reading :). until next time... xxx